The Big Sneeze

Well, it's been a long time since I've had an urge to write. I went back and read some of my previous stuff and holy cow was I....angry. What a dark and necessary time that was for me.


So here we are.


Just when things got comfortable and the world was looking like an oyster ready for expedition with new love at my side, there came a surprise. There is always a surprise in life isn't there? Always something to bitch slap you into a whole new territory where you once again realize you don't know dick about anything. I woke up on a Saturday morning after Thanksgiving last year and peed on a stick. 

The stick that changes everything. Not sure why I dug one out from the back of the cabinet. Maybe just a gut feeling it was time to pee on a stick. I didn't actually think the stick would reveal anything other than it always has. Most peeing on sticks is done by overly dramatic teenage girls that think hot and heavy make-out sessions in the back of some dork's car can get you preggers. 

My stick. This stick. Peed on by me, in love, listening to her man pull on shoes to run across the street to Starbucks through the bathroom door, registered a silent and matter of fact POSITIVE. Those few moments a woman has alone in the bathroom holding her stick, pants down with her ass on a cold toilet seat are...magical. The most magical moment in a woman's life. My life just changed. In the blink of an eye. Two stupid lines. Everything has just changed. I'm going to have a baby! We made a baby!! 

That was 9 months ago. That was before I was almost bed ridden with horrible morning sickness (aka ALL DAY sickness) for months. Before the real "joy" sets in come month 6. Making babies is meaty, wet, painful, nasty stuff. Pregnancy has been the most humbling experience of my life. These past 9 months have been intolerable and at times exhilarating. Surrender is the only option though. Not that you have a choice. Mother nature doesn't take crap from anyone. She will always have her way. She doesn't give a shit how tired, sick or scared you are. She doesn't care about broken ribs, vomit, shit or lack thereof, she will push and tear apart your body at the very seams to make room for her will. There has been some crying, mostly tears of frustration that for the first time in my life I truly have zero control. Being miserable, self loathing, unaccountable and self sabotaging are all choices. Once the magic pee stick says you have started the roller coaster ride of pregnancy, there is no turning back. You truly are powerless. Let me repeat that. Power-less. 

Pregnancy sucks. It is painful and will test the boundaries of what you think you can tolerate. I'm sure birth and motherhood will take me to whole new boundaries but for now, pregnancy has been my biggest life accomplishment. Just getting to week 37 has been my biggest accomplishment yet. Seriously. It's my last day in the office. From here on out I get to wait at home for my little girl to decide when she's ready to join the world. From what I've read it's the baby that will release a chemical that says "I'm ready" and then mom's body responds with the hormones to start labor.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Awaits. 

For my Sneezing Unicorn to do what she was meant to do.